[ She doesn't even know if Lup is back yet. A small, cowardly part of her almost hopes that she isn't. She's not sure she's ready to face her yet, even over text. ]
[ Yeah, she...deserved that. Lucretia stares down at her silent phone, relief and disappointment battling for supremacy.
Finally, she sets the phone aside with a sigh, but she's hardly settled down with her journal before she hears the knock. When she goes to open it, though, all she can do is stare. ]
...Lup.
[ Maybe she should've foreseen this, but she hadn't. A moment later, Lucretia's gaze darts away, down to the floor. She can't bear to look Lup in the eye right now. ]
[Lucretia's barely gotten Lup's name out into the space between them before the elf's just rolling her eyes and stepping forward, closing the distance between them completely, and dragging the other woman into a hug.
But she's still gonna sigh about it, like she's very put off by all of this.]
[ Lucretia doesn't fight the embrace. She couldn't, even if she'd wanted to.
But for once, she doesn't hug back, either. She doesn't deserve that kind of comfort right now, doesn't deserve to let herself collapse and let Lup be her strength this time. She's stiff as a board in the circle of Lup's arms, her tears already streaming down to soak the elf's hair as she squeezes her eyes shut. ]
I'm sorry, I, god, I'm so sorry, Lup, you must hate me -
[ This is patently not the case, but logic isn't really her strong suit right now. Lup should hate her, after that. She sure hates herself at the moment, and has since the moment the haze of Rage's influence had faded and she'd realized what she'd done. ]
[Lucretia may not hug her back, may feel too damn stiff in her embrace, but that won't stop the elf from keeping the other woman there, at least for a moment longer, to get the message across.]
Total dumbasses.
[But finally she pulls away, just enough that she can punch Lucretia in the shoulder, both hands slipping down to rest on the slight curve of her hips. For being dead (undead? double dead? how does that even work), she really doesn't look different. It's as if nothing's happened at all, no trace of the killing blow on her person. But that doesn't mean she's going to be nice about it.]
You and me are gonna sit down and have ourselves a little chat, Lucretia. I'd drag out the booze if I were you.
[ Lucretia just nods, miserable. Everything about Lup's tone, her body language, seems to back up what she's saying. She's not mad, Lucretia's overreacting.
It doesn't keep her from feeling like shit. She avoids meeting Lup's eyes, avoids looking at her at all, as she goes obediently across the room and pours drinks for them both. After a moment of thought, she grabs the bottle too, bringing all of it over to the couch and sitting down gingerly.
She grips her drink in both hands, and stares at the floor, waiting for Lup to speak. ]
[No one could blame Lucretia for drowning in her guilt, not when the end result of this whole thing was one dead elf, but Lup's been here long enough in Hadriel to know how it works. And it's time she sat Lucretia down for a little lesson on how to survive in this fucked up place.
Lucretia sits down gingerly, but Lup flops as always, both of her skinny arms resting up on top of the back cushion, one long leg perched over the other. These aren't the easiest conversations to have - even after a lot of practice in this place - but her body language is as casual as ever. She's fine. This is fine. Nothing to see here.]
Look, I know you feel like shit about it, hun. You don't have to tell me. I've been there. This place fucks with your head, makes you do shit you'd never do otherwise. But killing me is like, whatever. Been there, done that. Got the shirt.
[Died three times in this place, died at least a dozen before, been dead for twenty-some years. Death is just her thing now, thanks.
She knows Lucretia went after her brother earlier in the event, but it's Nate who got the killing blow, so there's no point in admonishing her about that. Besides, as Hadriel has shown them a million times over, they didn't have a choice.]
[ Lucretia had been warned about this place, of course, and it's not as though this is the first time the gods have turned Hadriel upside down while she's been here. Still. Waking up with the sudden and irresistible urge to hunt down and kill her friends is a far cry from waking up to a new soulmate, or to find her couch has come to life. And while she's died before, they've all died...
This is different.
She shakes her head in denial as Lup speaks, tapping her nails against her glass. Lup can pretend all she likes that this is just like her dying during the cycles, or that it doesn't matter anymore because she's a lich. Lucretia knows better. ]
Please don't do us both the disservice of acting like this isn't a big deal, Lup.
[ She's a bit calmer now, at least, her voice quiet but steady. ]
[It is different. And maybe Lup should be a little more respectful of that. But it's difficult enough for her to process what happened even with her constant brushing it off, so trying to own up to what happened and actually dole out responsibility?
Nah, fam. That's way too big an ask.
The only saving grace here is that Lup's already been through a similar scenario a year earlier, when Rage came to play and completely shook up her relationship with Barry. It took months to fully recover from, lonely days of quiet introspection, a dozen and a half weepy conversations, half a year spent apart before Barry finally came home. And it's only because of that whole scenario that Lup knows this conversation needs to continue. Brushing aside Lucretia's upset just isn't fair. It won't get them anywhere.]
I know. [She hates admitting it but -] I know, Luce. I do. But this place just makes you do things. What happened wasn't you, wasn't Taako. I don't blame you guys.
[ Even if it feels like she should, even if she has every right to. Lup's always been too big-hearted to hold grudges, deserved or not. She'd never blame Lucretia and Taako for something like this, something they couldn't control. ]
But that doesn't change what happened. I - I hunted you down, both of you. I wanted to hurt you. To make you afraid. I -
[ She falls silent. To her knowledge, Lup had never been hit with Rage's curse. She can't know what it had been like. ]
I still remember what it felt like. How satisfying it was, to see you like -
[ To see the fear in her eyes, the confusion and surprise at the sudden betrayal. To hear her bones snap, watch the blood pool out beneath her as the light faded from her eyes. ]
It felt good, Lup. I enjoyed it. I killed you and I loved it.
[ How is she supposed to forgive herself for that? ]
[She doesn't mean to, but Lup snaps the words out, hands moving up as if to cover her long ears, as if to hide away from the repulsive words slipping from Lucretia's mouth. Even after Barry dragged her by her hair out in public, even after Taako used her new fear of small spaces just to win a stupid fight, neither of the men had spoken like this. They never talked about liking to hurt her, about how deep the god's influence really went. The thought just makes Lup feel sick, like something sticky is crawling under her skin, the sensation so strong it makes the very tips of her fingertips tingle.
But she doesn't mean to snap, doesn't mean to explode and throw the whole conversation off track, so the elf sucks in a deep breath and corrects herself. It's Fine. She's Fine. Really.]
That... Lucretia, that wasn't you. They made you feel that shit in the moment, but - but you don't feel that way now. That's what makes it different. Pretty sure you don't want me dead right now, right? It's fucked up. I know it is, believe me, but... You need to trust me on this one.
[ Lucretia claps her hands to her mouth, horrified at herself. Stupid. She should know better than to say something like that. As awful as it had been for her, as sick as it makes her feel to remember how she'd felt in that moment, that doesn't excuse her describing it to Lup of all people.
She falls silent, hands slowly dropping back down to her lap as Lup speaks, shaking her head. ]
No, no, of course I don't. I would never - I could never -
[ Except she could. She had. ]
I just - it doesn't change what I did. What you went through.
[ Lup had been afraid, she'd suffered, and the fact that she'd come back without a scratch doesn't negate that. ]
[Somewhere inside, Lup understands. Part of the recovery is talking it through, to speak aloud about all of the awfulness that's happened, to share that pain with someone and finally be able to start to recover. But maybe it's just a little too soon to talk about how much delight Lucretia found in killing Lup, how happy she'd been to team up with Taako and murder her best friend.
It's just a Lot. All of it is so damn much.
Lup was hoping this conversation would be easier, would just flow once they'd seen one another, that the apologies could be doled out and they'd just be fine. But maybe it isn't that easy. Maybe it's going to be another situation like with Barry.]
I know. It... It doesn't. But just know I forgive you. I know it wasn't your fault, even if that doesn't fix anything. [a beat, the elf's hands dropping to her own lap, fingers twisting together, uncertain.] You're still my best friend.
[ Lucretia's throat goes a little dry. It's not something she'd considered, not something she'd let herself consider. Admitting to the question, after all, would have been admitting to the possibility of the answer being no.
Are we still friends?
She swallows, unable to even speak for a moment, nodding too quickly as she tries to pull herself together. ]
You're my best friend too, Lup.
[ Even if she feels like the shittiest friend ever right now. ]
I love you. I never want to see you hurt, or scared.
[There is no maybe, just absolute certainty. Nothing will shake her confidence on this, not even the sight of her two dearest coming for her life. Lup's forgiven Lucretia for worse without blinking an eye.]
Right back at ya, babe. You an' me are gonna be fine. The shitheads in charge can't touch us. They fuckin' wish.
[ Lucretia's not so certain, but she nods. She wants to believe it. More than anything, she wants things between them to be normal again.
It's just hard, when she can still picture Lup's bloodied body every time she closes her eyes. When she can still remember the vicious joy she'd felt in hurting her, right before the moment they'd gone much, much too far and elation had turned to horror.
She reaches a hand out to Lup, tentatively, needing to touch her. ]
Damn right.
[ She pauses, inhaling shakily. ]
...Please, Lup. If there's anything I can do to make it easier...
[ Whether that's staying by her side 24/7, or staying away, giving her space. She still feels guilty, and nothing's likely to change that anytime soon. ]
[As much as Lup tries to brush it all off so casually, she really does understand this isn't the kind of thing that can be fixed in a single day. None of them can just pretend it's fine, even if that's what the twins would love most.
It's just time. It's always fucking time.]
I'll let you know, no worries.
[If only Lup knew what answer would make Lucretia feel better.]
I think I'm gonna just chill for a bit. You alright on your own over here? You can come over or I can send like, Ango over here to hang.
[ Well, it's not that one. To be fair, though, Lucretia doesn't know what would make her feel better right now, either. Maybe there really is nothing anyone can say.
At any rate, it's not Lup's responsibility to fix this. Lucreta is not, in fact, all right, and the thought of Lup leaving her to rattle around her empty house and obsess over how horrible a person she is makes her heart sink. She's not about to say that, though, or invite herself along to a place she knows she isn't welcome even when she hadn't just killed Taako's twin. She shakes her head quickly, smiling at Lup as reassuringly as she possibly can. ]
No, no, I'm fine. Please, just - do what you need.
[Lup knows it's selfish of her to want to just crawl into bed with Barry and turn her brain off and just forget about the whole being murdered thing for at least a little awhile longer, but she's not sure she can deal with it otherwise.
But that doesn't mean she's not going to worry about Lucretia being over here all alone. She'll send Angus and Peanut over. And maybe Elena or Kravitz. Anyone who can keep the woman from falling too deep into her own thoughts.
Lup reaches out to rest her hand against Lucretia's arm.]
I love you, Luce. This doesn't change shit. Tomorrow we can hit up the hot spring and just chill together, alright? You and me. Zero boys.
[ As far as Lucretia's concerned, it's not selfish at all. Lup doesn't owe her anything. She can't even imagine how she herself would feel in the same situation. Betrayed, murdered, by her best friend.
All the same, she leans in gratefully to Lup's touch, her smile becoming slightly more genuine. Relieved. ]
That sounds good. Really good.
[ It does. And if she can manage to get through it and feel normal, to spend time with Lup without guilt consuming her the whole time - well, maybe they really will be okay. ]
[They will. Lup knows they will be okay. It's just going to take a little more time.]
I'll hit you up later. We'll make it a good time.
[They always do, that's just fact. Lup's fingers give an affectionate little tap to Lucretia's arm before she's pulling away and making to leave. They'll be back to where they need to be soon. And even with all of this trauma, maybe this will end up being a good stepping stone on the path to Lucretia and Taako speaking again. Could be real.]
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march 23
I'm so sorry.
I don't know what else to say.
[ She doesn't even know if Lup is back yet. A small, cowardly part of her almost hopes that she isn't. She's not sure she's ready to face her yet, even over text. ]
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Finally, she sets the phone aside with a sigh, but she's hardly settled down with her journal before she hears the knock. When she goes to open it, though, all she can do is stare. ]
...Lup.
[ Maybe she should've foreseen this, but she hadn't. A moment later, Lucretia's gaze darts away, down to the floor. She can't bear to look Lup in the eye right now. ]
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But she's still gonna sigh about it, like she's very put off by all of this.]
You both are total dumbasses.
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But for once, she doesn't hug back, either. She doesn't deserve that kind of comfort right now, doesn't deserve to let herself collapse and let Lup be her strength this time. She's stiff as a board in the circle of Lup's arms, her tears already streaming down to soak the elf's hair as she squeezes her eyes shut. ]
I'm sorry, I, god, I'm so sorry, Lup, you must hate me -
[ This is patently not the case, but logic isn't really her strong suit right now. Lup should hate her, after that. She sure hates herself at the moment, and has since the moment the haze of Rage's influence had faded and she'd realized what she'd done. ]
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[Lucretia may not hug her back, may feel too damn stiff in her embrace, but that won't stop the elf from keeping the other woman there, at least for a moment longer, to get the message across.]
Total dumbasses.
[But finally she pulls away, just enough that she can punch Lucretia in the shoulder, both hands slipping down to rest on the slight curve of her hips. For being dead (undead? double dead? how does that even work), she really doesn't look different. It's as if nothing's happened at all, no trace of the killing blow on her person. But that doesn't mean she's going to be nice about it.]
You and me are gonna sit down and have ourselves a little chat, Lucretia. I'd drag out the booze if I were you.
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It doesn't keep her from feeling like shit. She avoids meeting Lup's eyes, avoids looking at her at all, as she goes obediently across the room and pours drinks for them both. After a moment of thought, she grabs the bottle too, bringing all of it over to the couch and sitting down gingerly.
She grips her drink in both hands, and stares at the floor, waiting for Lup to speak. ]
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Lucretia sits down gingerly, but Lup flops as always, both of her skinny arms resting up on top of the back cushion, one long leg perched over the other. These aren't the easiest conversations to have - even after a lot of practice in this place - but her body language is as casual as ever. She's fine. This is fine. Nothing to see here.]
Look, I know you feel like shit about it, hun. You don't have to tell me. I've been there. This place fucks with your head, makes you do shit you'd never do otherwise. But killing me is like, whatever. Been there, done that. Got the shirt.
[Died three times in this place, died at least a dozen before, been dead for twenty-some years. Death is just her thing now, thanks.
She knows Lucretia went after her brother earlier in the event, but it's Nate who got the killing blow, so there's no point in admonishing her about that. Besides, as Hadriel has shown them a million times over, they didn't have a choice.]
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This is different.
She shakes her head in denial as Lup speaks, tapping her nails against her glass. Lup can pretend all she likes that this is just like her dying during the cycles, or that it doesn't matter anymore because she's a lich. Lucretia knows better. ]
Please don't do us both the disservice of acting like this isn't a big deal, Lup.
[ She's a bit calmer now, at least, her voice quiet but steady. ]
It is. We both know it is.
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Nah, fam. That's way too big an ask.
The only saving grace here is that Lup's already been through a similar scenario a year earlier, when Rage came to play and completely shook up her relationship with Barry. It took months to fully recover from, lonely days of quiet introspection, a dozen and a half weepy conversations, half a year spent apart before Barry finally came home. And it's only because of that whole scenario that Lup knows this conversation needs to continue. Brushing aside Lucretia's upset just isn't fair. It won't get them anywhere.]
I know. [She hates admitting it but -] I know, Luce. I do. But this place just makes you do things. What happened wasn't you, wasn't Taako. I don't blame you guys.
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[ Even if it feels like she should, even if she has every right to. Lup's always been too big-hearted to hold grudges, deserved or not. She'd never blame Lucretia and Taako for something like this, something they couldn't control. ]
But that doesn't change what happened. I - I hunted you down, both of you. I wanted to hurt you. To make you afraid. I -
[ She falls silent. To her knowledge, Lup had never been hit with Rage's curse. She can't know what it had been like. ]
I still remember what it felt like. How satisfying it was, to see you like -
[ To see the fear in her eyes, the confusion and surprise at the sudden betrayal. To hear her bones snap, watch the blood pool out beneath her as the light faded from her eyes. ]
It felt good, Lup. I enjoyed it. I killed you and I loved it.
[ How is she supposed to forgive herself for that? ]
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[She doesn't mean to, but Lup snaps the words out, hands moving up as if to cover her long ears, as if to hide away from the repulsive words slipping from Lucretia's mouth. Even after Barry dragged her by her hair out in public, even after Taako used her new fear of small spaces just to win a stupid fight, neither of the men had spoken like this. They never talked about liking to hurt her, about how deep the god's influence really went. The thought just makes Lup feel sick, like something sticky is crawling under her skin, the sensation so strong it makes the very tips of her fingertips tingle.
But she doesn't mean to snap, doesn't mean to explode and throw the whole conversation off track, so the elf sucks in a deep breath and corrects herself. It's Fine. She's Fine. Really.]
That... Lucretia, that wasn't you. They made you feel that shit in the moment, but - but you don't feel that way now. That's what makes it different. Pretty sure you don't want me dead right now, right? It's fucked up. I know it is, believe me, but... You need to trust me on this one.
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[ Lucretia claps her hands to her mouth, horrified at herself. Stupid. She should know better than to say something like that. As awful as it had been for her, as sick as it makes her feel to remember how she'd felt in that moment, that doesn't excuse her describing it to Lup of all people.
She falls silent, hands slowly dropping back down to her lap as Lup speaks, shaking her head. ]
No, no, of course I don't. I would never - I could never -
[ Except she could. She had. ]
I just - it doesn't change what I did. What you went through.
[ Lup had been afraid, she'd suffered, and the fact that she'd come back without a scratch doesn't negate that. ]
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It's just a Lot. All of it is so damn much.
Lup was hoping this conversation would be easier, would just flow once they'd seen one another, that the apologies could be doled out and they'd just be fine. But maybe it isn't that easy. Maybe it's going to be another situation like with Barry.]
I know. It... It doesn't. But just know I forgive you. I know it wasn't your fault, even if that doesn't fix anything. [a beat, the elf's hands dropping to her own lap, fingers twisting together, uncertain.] You're still my best friend.
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Are we still friends?
She swallows, unable to even speak for a moment, nodding too quickly as she tries to pull herself together. ]
You're my best friend too, Lup.
[ Even if she feels like the shittiest friend ever right now. ]
I love you. I never want to see you hurt, or scared.
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[There is no maybe, just absolute certainty. Nothing will shake her confidence on this, not even the sight of her two dearest coming for her life. Lup's forgiven Lucretia for worse without blinking an eye.]
Right back at ya, babe. You an' me are gonna be fine. The shitheads in charge can't touch us. They fuckin' wish.
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It's just hard, when she can still picture Lup's bloodied body every time she closes her eyes. When she can still remember the vicious joy she'd felt in hurting her, right before the moment they'd gone much, much too far and elation had turned to horror.
She reaches a hand out to Lup, tentatively, needing to touch her. ]
Damn right.
[ She pauses, inhaling shakily. ]
...Please, Lup. If there's anything I can do to make it easier...
[ Whether that's staying by her side 24/7, or staying away, giving her space. She still feels guilty, and nothing's likely to change that anytime soon. ]
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It's just time. It's always fucking time.]
I'll let you know, no worries.
[If only Lup knew what answer would make Lucretia feel better.]
I think I'm gonna just chill for a bit. You alright on your own over here? You can come over or I can send like, Ango over here to hang.
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At any rate, it's not Lup's responsibility to fix this. Lucreta is not, in fact, all right, and the thought of Lup leaving her to rattle around her empty house and obsess over how horrible a person she is makes her heart sink. She's not about to say that, though, or invite herself along to a place she knows she isn't welcome even when she hadn't just killed Taako's twin. She shakes her head quickly, smiling at Lup as reassuringly as she possibly can. ]
No, no, I'm fine. Please, just - do what you need.
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But that doesn't mean she's not going to worry about Lucretia being over here all alone. She'll send Angus and Peanut over. And maybe Elena or Kravitz. Anyone who can keep the woman from falling too deep into her own thoughts.
Lup reaches out to rest her hand against Lucretia's arm.]
I love you, Luce. This doesn't change shit. Tomorrow we can hit up the hot spring and just chill together, alright? You and me. Zero boys.
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All the same, she leans in gratefully to Lup's touch, her smile becoming slightly more genuine. Relieved. ]
That sounds good. Really good.
[ It does. And if she can manage to get through it and feel normal, to spend time with Lup without guilt consuming her the whole time - well, maybe they really will be okay. ]
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[They will. Lup knows they will be okay. It's just going to take a little more time.]
I'll hit you up later. We'll make it a good time.
[They always do, that's just fact. Lup's fingers give an affectionate little tap to Lucretia's arm before she's pulling away and making to leave. They'll be back to where they need to be soon. And even with all of this trauma, maybe this will end up being a good stepping stone on the path to Lucretia and Taako speaking again. Could be real.]