[ It's been a week since she'd walked away halfway through her conversation with Lup on the network. She'd half expected to come back to a dozen messages of ever-increasing intensity and insistence on a response, or even for Lup to show up to continue the argument in person when she'd realized Lucretia wasn't going to answer. But neither had happened. It's been fantasy radio silence on both their ends ever since.
They're not fighting. She doesn't think they are, anyway. But this is also so much longer than Lucretia's gone without talking to Lup since the day she'd arrived. She knows she's a coward for not reaching out; she's not about to deny that. But Lup...
Is she just waiting for Lucretia to make the first move? Is she actually angry? Would she even want to talk, at this point?
None of these unanswered questions are weighing on Lucretia's mind when she rolls over in bed to pick up her phone. It's early. She'd just woken up, is still half asleep, in fact, and a full eight hours had done wonders to wipe the last week of uncertainty and the ugly argument that had preceded it right out of her mind. All she's thinking is that it's a beautiful day, the Null have been relatively quiet so far, and what she really wants is to have Lup over to make scones and drink fancy coffee while they brainstorm together on what their next move should be. ]
[ Half a second later, her brain catches up with the rest of her, and she stares at horror at the unerasable, already-sent message, waiting patiently for Lup to read it. ]
[ Lucretia hesitates. Normally she'd chicken out and just end this conversation as quickly as possible, but...she's lonely. And there's a war coming. They don't have much time.
She stresses over this one for a while too, starting to type and then deleting what she'd written more than once. So Lup gets the quintessential equivalent of "Mom is typing..." for twenty minutes followed by a message of less than ten letters. ]
[Lup will listen, sure. She loves Lucretia, has held her close as one of her dearest friends and family for over a century now. But this isn't just two girls playfully fighting over using the bathroom. This is Big.]
[ Yeah, it is. It is big. Lucretia's not prepared to just retract everything she'd said, fall over herself with apologies and agree with whatever Lup says just to get back on her good side. She wouldn't be Lucretia if she did that.
But this sucks. She doesn't want to go on like this. ]
[Lup means to leave it there, to let this back and forth continue, but after stewing in this for so long, it's not too much of a surprise that she can't hold herself back.]
i thought u got it i thought u finally understood
ive been defending u to taako for ages now fucking three years ive been making excuses for u and trying to get him to see it was all out of love but
[ Lup pauses long enough that Lucretia's already started typing a reply to her first message. She knows she's not stupid, she would never suggest otherwise. She's not even saying Lup's wrong, just that she's still struggling to figure it out. They can both agree that this is complicated, right? That there's no good option?
But then her phone lights up with a flurry of new pings, Lup's hurt and frustration shining through even through text, and Lucretia stops where she is, heart sinking as she watches the messages roll in.
She's not blind enough to have missed the parallels. It's why she'd been upset and conflicted enough to walk away in the first place. But this... ]
I do get it. Of course I do. I know I fucked up, I know that, Lup, I'm not saying I didn't. But this isn't about that.
[lup's response is immediately, emotional and raw, her thoughts spilling into text without hesitation, not even attempting to censor herself.]
u took who he was away do u think it was okay????? tell me u arent okay with it please please luce i need to hear u say it tell me u know it was awful tell me u would never do that again
[ It'd be so easy to just promise, to give Lup the reassurance she so desperately craves. She just needs to hear it, one more time, and it would cost Lucretia nothing.
But she's so flabbergasted, so confused and hurt at being confronted this way that all she can do is stare. ]
How could you even ask me that? Haven't I apologized enough? Haven't I beaten myself up enough? How many times do I have to say it, Lup? How long do I have to - fucking flog myself over this?
[ She's resigned herself to Taako. But Lup? Lup had already forgiven her before she could offer a word of apology. This sudden turn is something she had neither anticipated nor prepared for. A loss of trust she can't afford. ]
I thought we were good.
[ Not currently, maybe. But they'd been good. They will be again.
[Lup never wanted to make this into a fight in the first place, not with her best friend, but how else could she possibly react?]
i thought we were all good too but luce
you said youd rather rewrite them after everything thats happened youd really just do it again? you saw what that did to taako how is that the better option
These are people who are - you said it yourself. Murderers. People who want to come after us, to kill children. If we can help them be something else, something better, shouldn't we try? Isn't that better than just killing them?
[for lup, answering this text comes easily. she just has to repeat the important words spoken to her from a dozen years ago.]
sometimes there arent right decisions sometimes theres just decisions
what we did to Faerun it wasnt right it was never right but we made the choice in order to buy time against the hunger and we were able to keep it safe from it until we came up with a better plan it wasnt perfect i still
i had a lot of time to think abt it but at the time it was the only choice we could make doesnt mean it was right tho
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june 6; 1/2
They're not fighting. She doesn't think they are, anyway. But this is also so much longer than Lucretia's gone without talking to Lup since the day she'd arrived. She knows she's a coward for not reaching out; she's not about to deny that. But Lup...
Is she just waiting for Lucretia to make the first move? Is she actually angry? Would she even want to talk, at this point?
None of these unanswered questions are weighing on Lucretia's mind when she rolls over in bed to pick up her phone. It's early. She'd just woken up, is still half asleep, in fact, and a full eight hours had done wonders to wipe the last week of uncertainty and the ugly argument that had preceded it right out of her mind. All she's thinking is that it's a beautiful day, the Null have been relatively quiet so far, and what she really wants is to have Lup over to make scones and drink fancy coffee while they brainstorm together on what their next move should be. ]
Are you busy?
2/2
Never mind
Wrong person
Please disregard.
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[real helpful there, lup]
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I apologize. I didn't mean to bother you.
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takes a lot more than a couple of texts to bother me luce
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And it's Lup. ]
I didn't think you wanted to hear from me.
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wasnt sure i wanted to either
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Could be worse, though.
She stresses over this one for a while too, starting to type and then deleting what she'd written more than once. So Lup gets the quintessential equivalent of "Mom is typing..." for twenty minutes followed by a message of less than ten letters. ]
Can we talk?
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[Lup will listen, sure. She loves Lucretia, has held her close as one of her dearest friends and family for over a century now. But this isn't just two girls playfully fighting over using the bathroom. This is Big.]
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But this sucks. She doesn't want to go on like this. ]
I don't know.
I just miss you. I want to fix this.
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not having u around either fucking sucks
[she knows that's a low blow, but also, she doesn't totally care. it's just how she feels.]
but what u said isnt right
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This isn't fun for either of them, though. She gets that much. ]
Lup, the alternative is genocide.
1/2
dont treat me like i am.
i know what it means
but how is removing who someone is but letting them live any different
2/2
i thought u got it
i thought u finally understood
ive been defending u to taako for ages now
fucking three years ive been
making excuses for u and trying to get him to see it was all out of love but
but u still dont get it
do u
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But then her phone lights up with a flurry of new pings, Lup's hurt and frustration shining through even through text, and Lucretia stops where she is, heart sinking as she watches the messages roll in.
She's not blind enough to have missed the parallels. It's why she'd been upset and conflicted enough to walk away in the first place. But this... ]
I do get it. Of course I do. I know I fucked up, I know that, Lup, I'm not saying I didn't. But this isn't about that.
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u took who he was away
do u think it was okay?????
tell me u arent okay with it
please
please luce
i need to hear u say it
tell me u know it was awful
tell me u would never do that again
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[ It'd be so easy to just promise, to give Lup the reassurance she so desperately craves. She just needs to hear it, one more time, and it would cost Lucretia nothing.
But she's so flabbergasted, so confused and hurt at being confronted this way that all she can do is stare. ]
How could you even ask me that? Haven't I apologized enough? Haven't I beaten myself up enough? How many times do I have to say it, Lup? How long do I have to - fucking flog myself over this?
[ She's resigned herself to Taako. But Lup? Lup had already forgiven her before she could offer a word of apology. This sudden turn is something she had neither anticipated nor prepared for. A loss of trust she can't afford. ]
I thought we were good.
[ Not currently, maybe. But they'd been good. They will be again.
They have to be. ]
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[Lup never wanted to make this into a fight in the first place, not with her best friend, but how else could she possibly react?]
i thought we were all good too but luce
you said youd rather rewrite them
after everything thats happened
youd really just do it again?
you saw what that did to taako
how is that the better option
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These are people who are - you said it yourself. Murderers. People who want to come after us, to kill children. If we can help them be something else, something better, shouldn't we try? Isn't that better than just killing them?
We can't just leave them like they are.
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we cant
[at least they can agree on that]
but
turning them against their will
forcing them to live lives they dont want
its not right
i was trapped for so long
had no fucking control of my own body
but i was me
i was me
i didnt lose that
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Lup...
I don't want to hurt you.
I just wish
I don't know what the right answer is.
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sometimes there arent right decisions
sometimes theres just decisions
what we did to Faerun
it wasnt right
it was never right
but we made the choice in order to buy time against the hunger
and we were able to keep it safe from it until we came up with a better plan
it wasnt perfect
i still
i had a lot of time to think abt it
but at the time it was the only choice we could make
doesnt mean it was right tho
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We had a better plan.
[ Lup hadn't wanted to listen to her then, either. ]
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lucretia.
dont go there.
ive lived through this. u havent.
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[ This is the gods. It has to be. It's Fear and Rage and - and fucking Paranoia influcing them, making them do this to each other.
But somehow she can't seem to stop. ]
I spent ten years trying to clean up that mess, Lup.
If you'd all just listened in the first place.
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